MKOZAQ Engineer's Log

My childhood’s ghosts in outdoor toilet

Born and raised in a rural area, I didn't know back then how it was to wake up in the middle of the night to pee in a cosy indoor bathroom. In the summer, it was not a problem for me, just sleepwalking outside and back. In winter, that is another story. I had to put in balance the need for peeing and the harsh feeling of cold. Saying to myself that it is not really urgent and can wait until morning. Hoping that is true and fall asleep.

Not too far from our house, on a small hill, was the church with the cemetery. From the toilet spot and between the branches of the trees, the tower was slightly visible.

I am not sure why my mother believed - and told me - that the song of owls brings death. I was just a feeble child, sitting in that spot, shivering because of cold from every joint, waiting to finish my job. Hearing them in the middle of the night, knowing what my mother told me, I didn't know any more if the shaky hands were because of cold or fear. It didn't matter anymore if I'd finished or not. I was afraid that ghosts were all around me.

Sometimes mother came with me outside, waiting near the entrance of the house. I was a big boy. I couldn't let my mother see me sitting on the toilet, so I've closed the door. Now the problem was much bigger than before. It was too dark inside. The fear of ghosts, the shame of opening the door for letting light in and the shivering have accompanied me for many years.